Eenie minie miny mo
Do you want to make some dough
Listen close I tell you how
With life deciding to be harder by the minute, only creativity will see us survive. So I have been taking a whole deal of thinking. Spending sleepless nights and days under a tree (I was told sitting under trees inspires the mind; what with Sir Isaac Newton.) I have tried to find that secret passageway to the land of shillings and rands. That path that guys like Richard Branson, Chris Kirubi and Lil Wayne follow. I must admit, after a whole lot of thinking, hours on end, my poor mind overheated all of a sudden. But not without The “Eureka Moment.” I saw the light like Al Shabab being attacked by missiles from invisible planes.
I discovered a way to make Sh.10000 in an hour! Yeah I can see you gasping. Shut your mouth and open your eyes wider. Believe you me, this is as real as it gets. This is the magical phrase: MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING! Simple! The speech that inspires dunderheads to believe that they can be rocket scientists overnight. Now to the “know how” of motivational speaking
First, polish your English. Make sure you speak like a man that had English manufactured in his tongue. Articulate every word better than PLO Lumumba with a common cold. Open your mouth and ensure that people will wish you spoke forever. Leave them trying to copy how you speak. I need not say more on that. Secondly, read a lot of books; and not just any books. Read the likes of Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Dalai Lama…read enough books to give you 3 touching stories of the great men and women. You don’t even need to read the whole book, just get the story even if it’s from good old Google. While on this, learn how to cry at least 5 times a day. I will tell you why later.
Thirdly, come up with the most sentimental, painful story of your past. Something like how you were born in the middle of Chalbi desert and you never saw your parents. Tell us how you were raised by an old woman who taught you a few quotes (about 20 of them) as she raised you in upright ways of God. As you recite this, just cry a lot and have that glass of water near you for good measure. End the story with how you became the business guru in town or that Pastor that preaches in Rwanda and Uganda every two weeks. This is the most important step and has a lot of acting, so don’t let any energy skive your act or the money will slip your hands.
Finally, be funny. After you have cried for 20 minutes, crack a joke for 5 minutes. Let it not be those dry jokes that leave people awkwardly wondering what to do. Watch a lot of “Churchill” if need be, but make sure people laugh! There you have it! A full motivational speaker earning enviable thousands a day for just a few hours. It can’t get any better now can it? So get to work.
On other news, this morning I heard something rather strange on the news. Sepp Blatter, the President of FIFA, suggests that racist comments disputes should be solved with a handshake on the pitch. I totally agree. It proves that the chap isn’t becoming senile. Just imagine it like this. Drogba walks to the pitch and he meets Rooney.
Drogba:”Hye fadey!”
Rooney: “Oh! Hye monkey!”
They laugh themselves stupid, shake hands and walk on their way to score goals like not a thing happened. Sepp, that’s never going to happen! Unless your football is played by Team Angel Gabriel versus T
eam Angel Michael

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