I don’t trust nutritionists. Yeah, those folks who advise people on what to eat for whatever reasons or results, I don’t trust them. It is not hate nor dislike I feel for them, no. Those are too extreme. Let me put it this way; if I was walking down Ronald Ngala street one evening with only 70 shillings in my pocket and all the Maranathas, Paradisos and Mashallahs were charging 50 bob to Githurai, then a nutritionist told me that the Unified Poas on Tom Mboya were charging 20 bob, I wouldn’t listen.
I came close to dealing with nutritionists (for the rest of my life once) when deciding which course to take in campus. I applied for Arts and media related ones, but, despite The Farmer pushing me to try teaching, I put down Horticulture as my back up plan. Spending days bent over fruit seedlings in greenhouses isn’t what I had in mind as a career, but being called Teacher Ngatia sounded like a worse idea. Thank-you very much Tahidi high. And honestly I had a goid background. Growing up as The Farmer’s son, you do a lot of stuff your peers have never come close to dreaming about. You shovel two lifetimes worth of manure into a wheelbarrow and push it to the farm. You leave your bed unmade to make seedbeds. You know sweet potatoes are grown from vines, but potatoes are from potatoes. You are always on the look out for hens that might be eating each other out. They do! Not in that way though, sip some chilled water and let me explain. Layers, the female version of broilers, (No! That is not sexist!) aren’t supposed to watch each other lay. Because (common decency… okay, no …) if they have a calcium deficiency, they will be tempted to crunch and slurp the eggs down their throats. And if the craving is still there, the eggs’ exit point … then the intestines … then the …freakish, right? I know!
I’m digressing.
As a farmer’s son, you know goats are browsers, but sheep graze. So the former’s fodder is hanged for less wastage. Browse shrubs and such, not the web you townbred being! Cows don’t get pregnant, they gestate.
Actually, you may never have the sex talk with your mother, but she will ask you, straight-faced, to check if the cow is horny. Hehehe not using that exact word, “on heat” is considered more appropriate. Like, you can discuss all day how a cow is heating up, but if you happen to note that a certain lady is hot and the Reverend will come visiting. On a personal request.
I really am digressing, but you see how I almost came to deal with nutritionists.
Back to them. According to the Christian Good book, all evil began in heaven. Lucifer got over ambitious, gave the top post a shot, but the Boss’s guys got the better of him and he fell (literally) from grace. The dude was determined though, so he started clawing up, drawing plans and revenge schemes. *insert evil laughter for dramatic effect’s sake* Hoping to, one day, sing the “Started from the bottom now we here” song. Well, Drake beat him to that… but! Where else better to start plan actualization than with the Boss’s most progressive project: the human. The woman to be specific. Now I know there are those of you who regard this story as pure bull, I have issues with it too, relax though! Pewa njugu …
utakunywa nini? Krest?
Chukua nitalipa.
Chilled water with extra ice cubes for the feminist over there. So the fellow turns into a serpent (tarnishing the poor reptile’s reputation forever in the process) and approaches Mrs. Eve Adam, disguised as a (wait for it …) Nutritionist! He, or is it she? We were never told the snake’s gender in Sunday school or maybe it just passed me. The serpent, I would imagine, first beats around the bush, telling her what plants will do what. “…That tree over there, it’s bark is bitter as a rejected teenager, but you can get quinine from it. Quinine is good for Malaria. That over there is Aloe Vera, bitter too, but good for a load some of reasons … that little one is a great aphrodisiac! You know, boosting sex and stuff… have you tried sex?! NO?! HECK! Wow! Where do I even begin? See that ashen phallus Adam carries just below his waist?…”
We all know women love gossip buddy (and learning new stuff hehe. Yes! I know you’ve seen right through that one) so eventually, he/she/it convinces Eve that the reason the Boss won’t let them eat the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden is a simple one; it will increase their IQ incredibly. Let us not not blame Eve for the decision she makes at this critical stage of human history. Which woman doesn’t want to be smarter than … Hell! Who doesn’t want to be smart?! You know how many Omega-3 brain booster tablets and online mind exercises you taken. Maybe she was trying to figure out how to make high heels and thought the fruit might light a bulb. So she munches and gives Adam a bite. You know the rest…
What is my point? Here it is. If the Good book is to be believed, all the fuck up we are in started with a nutritionist’s advice. It doesn’t matter if he was qualified or not. Argument nullified. It started with a bite from the First lady (see what I did there) and her progeny has been biting more than they can chew (see that too?) Ever since. The story continues and says that when the boss accosted them, they started the blame game. None of them could just confront their mistakes. They kept fighting in a losing battle. And that is the bug in the human system that wasn’t fixed.
We have indulged in countless wars, bloody campaigns and crusades over the centuries. So much that our news bulletins today aren’t complete without the word “militia” or “incursion” or “raids”. The biggest problem with us is not that we can not exist peacefully together, it is our egos. In fact egocentricity is the reason we can not coexist! Old buggers have sent their youth to die for ideas they don’t believe since forever because we are too proud to move on. We do not recognize the difference between moving on and giving up. The fear of being considered weak has blinded us that much.
I am a believer of change starting from the roots. China has elaborately structured ghost cities today because they built structures and expected folks to move in. Instead of giving them resources to build their own cities. Imma change the way I fight my battles, though I doubt it’ll change any missions planned by our military. I have learnt that things that aren’t meant for you will always slip away, no matter how much you fight to retain them. One thing will lead to another and you will be left fighting a meaningless war, wanting to be left with the phrase “I tried my best!” Even when you were way past the point. I am taking my warships to battlefields that seem more promising. And you should too, otherwise, your sitting with me here at the base will have been just a waste of time. Someone wisely quipped that when one door closes, another opens and unless you have an OCD, that is something positive.
Peace peeps! Trust no one! Nutritionists especially.
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