NO!! MAJOR E CHIRCHIR DID NOT LIE, HE JUST …

Early this week, one Major E Chirchir, made one hell of a blander. For those not in twitter, I wonder where you are the Major tweeted photos of a man being stoned by the Al-Shabaab then claimed the man was a Kenyan spy from Nairobi. Many believed and condemned the Militia like that was going to help, anyway things didn’t get interesting until someone decided to end the Major’s victory celebration. That is when shit hit the fan. Really HARD… Really SMELLY.

Apparently, Chirchir had googled some pictures that had been posted in some dark corner of the internet then ‘twitpiced’ them… folks got really worked up when they realized their LTAA (leading tweefer against Al-Shabaab) had fibbed. Y’all know the story by now , I’m not going to tell old tales… what people didn’t realize is that Chirchir did not lie. He just went along the lines of a peculiar Kenyan habit.

Kenyans like bluffing more than anything else. well, except food and social networks. I am Kenyan, who knows; maybe even that statement is a lie… wait; now you want proof?  Ever surfed for porn? See, you had already said no before you hastily changed it to a ‘maybe’. You want to say you don’t hear those people talking in a phone in matatus somewhere near Nyayo stadium ‘… Nimetoka tao, naingia mat hapa Koja… Ningoje hapo stage Westi’…  or someone in a vehicle Town-bound  ‘ … Poa sweetie. .. Tuko kwa Chris Githurai, naona nikichelewa kidogo…. namtengenezea stima… Nitakuletea nyanya… Oh unazo? Vitunguu basi.’

It runs in the blood, one would think we are coached to lie from childhood… WAIT!! That’s it. We are coached, trained, though subconsciously. Remember when your mother used to tell you the devil loves the people who don’t eat?  Remember the ‘Njogu-Kimuitu ‘ who would hide beneath the bed and eat you up if you didn’t sleep? Remember when you got curious and asked where children come from? What did your parents say? That you were dropped from a helicopter? That they bought you in a supermarket? That they got you from a river? Well, REALITY CHECK friend, no one pulled you from a river. kwani we ni Moses? Those were introductions to fibbing. Literal baby steps into the world or rather the country of lies.

Then you got to school and started on the “Our dog ate my homework!” Hang on… that is too mzunguish, it was more like, “…we went to fetch water after school, then came and realized that the fire wood wasn’t enough… then my mother sent me to buy maize floor. By the time I started doing my home work, it was already dark. I had to do it under the moonlight. Then elephants attacked our farm and we chased them away till this morning…” The teacher would have already forgiven you just to save his/her ears from more bullshit while knowing  you had played hide and seek until it was too dark to hide… or  seek. Then you got to high school and organized nonexistent trips just to get extra pocket money.

*Sigh*

I will dedicate the whole of next week to posts about Kenyan fibs… They are just too many. That’s a lie, truth is I  am too lazy to continue… Anyway the point of this long post is LEAVE MAJOR ALONE, YOU ALL LIE!  That is not the opinion of the writer though, he thinks that the bugger should be fired; I am jobless and much better at tweeting propaganda and tweefing…(HEY KDF, PICK ME!!!!) and @HSMpress, pray I don’t get that job, I’ll make sure you pull a @RoseMissTaylor… till next time, war!!!! hehe that’s a lie y’all know I mean peace!!!

~ @Ngartia